azb

on sunday morning

i feel like i’ve been the same person since longer than i remember, but recently, things have been telling me different. you know those people you just can’t hate, even though they’re mean to you or whatever? they just have some kind of vibe or aura? i’ve been able to see through so many people’s darknesses or mean sides over the past year. what is happening to me?

yesterday, i decided to not give a fuck. i’m not going to be scared to live anymore. i used to think that i was some kind of free spirit, life-loving girl, but how is that possible when you’re diagnosed with depression? it was impossible. i think i’m breaking the shell of my dysthymia. i’ve been in a hole since the 7th grade. of course it was triggered by being bullied…what isn’t? everything was gray. i felt nothing. i started drama to feel something. i laughed to feel something. the only time i felt something was when i cried, and even then, it felt like i’d been crying for years. i think i’m almost happy.

as for living, that means fucking the social system, fucking rules, fucking those things that get me down, like my chemistry grade. it is what it is. i’m going to start taking care of myself now. i’m going to look good. i’m going to feel fucking amazing.

wish me luck.

why why do i try to love you? try to love you when you really dont want me to

all i really want